Happy Halloween

Today I was driving through town and realized it was actually Halloween day. Since I took the kids trick or treating on Saturday I hadn't planned to pass out candy or anything. At the last minute Jude and I decided to turn on our light and tried to unload some misc. stuff we had left over from the pumpkin decorating party. We didn't even get ONE trick or treater. Can you believe that? Oh well. I did feel a little nostaligic thinking about Halloween when I was a kid. I grew up in Vermilion and lived on State Rt. 60. It was a heavily traveled "rural" road. The houses are not very close together so we also did not get many trick or treaters. My mom was just talking yesterday about this kid that lived by us named Chuck. Chuck was something else. I have so many stories about this guy...starting from kindergarder (he pooped his pants on the bus and Stormin' Norma made him move to the back seat and made everyone else move to the front). But I am telling you about Halloween right now... Chuck would trick or treat every night, for a week, leading up to Halloween. He would dress in costume (usually nothing fancy) and off he'd go. It still makes me laugh. I also remember going trick or treating my senior year of high school in Valley View (a housing development in Vermilion by the High School). Chuck went with us. He is very big. Big and tall. People were angry that we were trick or treating - especially about Chuck. They kept asking him if he had kids of his own at home!
When Heather and I would go trick or treating, my dad or mom would drive us from house to house. It would take us an hour to just go around our "country" block. One time we went to McCray Meade's house and we get out, run to the door and just then someone jumped from underneath the porch to scare us. I am lucky I didn't wet my pants. I think Heather actually started crying. I don't remember if we even got the candy. I don't think we did. I know for our remaining trick or treating years we were very cautious at that house. I think we secretly wanted them to scare us again. Those were the days. Oh, and let me tell you about the candy...it was the good stuff. Whole candy bars. Entire packs of gum. Candy necklaces. Homemade popcorn balls from someone you knew and trusted. And the pennies. It wasn't because the people in our neighborhood were rich. It was because we didn't have van loads of kids coming from other neighborhoods to cash in on the treats. It was just the kids from our area. I could probably name most of them for you still to this day!
When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade I was in a club. The people in the club were Heather, Tracy, Susan and myself. We would pay dues (like a quarter) and have meetings in the woods. Well, we decided to have a Halloween party. We thought we would pay for it with our dues. Afterall, we did have about $4 saved up. So we planned games, apple bobbing, music, etc... It was going to be a real bash. And then we started inviting people. I don't remember if we gave out invitations or not. All I know is that we didn't tell our moms until a few days before the party! My mom says she doesn't remember the details but I know there were a lot of kids in our basement bobbing for apples, so she must of pulled together somehow. We never had anymore club meetings after that party. But it wasn't the last Halloween party that I'd throw. We had a big one in High School. There was probably 60 kids there. We had a little Haunted Trail in the woods and a big bon fire in the back yard. I dressed up like Albert Einstien. I think I won a prize. A bunch of kids from my youth group were making out with each other by the fire and my parents weren't too happy.

Oh Halloween, the memories I have...

Dealing...

So today was the big day...learning how to "deal" with the button pushers in my life. I must admit that I was hoping Pastor Mike would stand before us today and say if someone is toxic and pushing your buttons that you should go home and type a blog stating all of that peron's flaws, lies & hurtful behaviors. To my dismay, he did not. Shocker, eh? He did however have quite a few things I did need to hear.
#1 - I have to be responsible for my own life and emotions. i.e. my own happiness. If I am unhappy it is because I choose to be, not because someone else is making me unhappy. This isn't a new concept to me but it was nice to have it reaffirmed.
#2 - You reap what you sow. This is a double edged sword. It is nice to know that the jerky people of the world with get their own someday. Revenge is so sweet. I have mixed feelings because I don't ever want to wish ill will on anyone...BUT, if I am honest I do have those ideas every now and then. Either way, I also have to accept that what goes around comes around - for me as well. Like I have mentioned before...I haven't always been the greatest person (and for the "button pushers", please do not take this as an invitation to publicly criticize me) and I have done my share of things that I will reap the consequences...that is, if I haven't suffered enough already.

There was so much more but I was called out of church to feed Elise. I will have to get the CD.

After church, we went to Lorain to Indy's birthday party. We stayed too late and now I am tired. Too much to do...

I am off to Reidinger Middle School tommorow. I have 7th & 8th graders this week. I was pondering my job and basic "role" last week. I decided that I basically spend my time talking to a room full of puberty about "hormone managment". It is so much fun. Last week I had a sixth grade boy ask me, "what is a clitoris?" I answered him but it was very clinical (Part of a woman's vagina.) Short and sweet. He didn't ask anything else. I had two boys ask me what sex feels like. Funny, they never asked me these sorts of questions unil I had children.

Okay, have a great night.

Trick or Treat

Tonight was Trick or Treat for Jude. We went over our friends house and took all the kids (4 with us, 3 running around by themselves and one in the oven!) trick or treating. It wasn't that bad but I don't think I can actually say it was FUN. Jude dressed up like Woody from Toy Story, because that is his latest obsession. He watches that movie twice a day! I just put a cat hat on Elise and she didn't beg since she is way too young for candy! We had pizza and hot cider afterwords. Jude decided Bill's name is Mr. Clean???? I am not really sure why, but on our way home I said something about Bill and Jude was all upset and demanded I call him Mr. Clean. I think it is really funny. We saw several people we know while out and about. That was kinda cool.

Basically the whole thing reminded me of Cody. Five halloween's ago I dressed up like a sailor (thanks Brynn for the old uniform) and headed out with my little werewolf. We walked for a solid two hours. By the time we were done he had a huge bag of candy. It was sooooo cold that day. Cody is eleven now! I can't believe how fast time has gone. Most of you probably already know that I haven't seen Cody in a long time. His dad couldn't handle married delilah being a part of Cody's life. What can I do?????? Nothing.

So, tommorow I learn how to deal with the difficult people in my life (next in the line of sermons). I will let you know what I learn. Stay tuned!

It's Been A Long Time...

I finally get to type. Life has been so busy. Last week was absolutely NUTS. Jake worked during the day and we had to take the kids to the babysitters. Jude freaked out. When I took him on Monday I actually cried. But how a week changes everything...he cried when I picked him up today. He wanted to stay and play with Jack. Jack is a little boy from church. His mom died two weeks ago. He is only four. Isn't that awful? I didn't know her that well. I walked past her so many times and never actually talked to her. I don't know why. I guess I was always too busy. It's pathetic, I know. But Jack is a sweet kid. Jude really likes him.

I don't really have a real topic today. It has been so long since I posted and too many things have happened. I have a lot on my mind. I think my last post struck a cord with a few people. You will have to excuse the profanity left by the anonymous commenter. I could have erased it but I wanted everyone to see it. I don't want to offend anyone, and if you are I appologize. I guess it goes to show you that even if you try to be a better person or make the world a better place there is always going to be someone who is mad or annoyed with you. What do you do????

Speaking of posts...Where did everyone go? Everyone got me hooked on thier blogs and now....nothing. It stinks. I need more!!!!! And if you are a regular reader who has a blog - please let me know. I'd love to read it.

Toxic People

Well, it is Sunday and as most of you know, I go to church. For the last few weeks, Pastor Mike has been doing a series called "Who's Pushing Your Buttons". It has been interesting, to say the least. Today's message was about Toxic Relationships/People. I sat there listening, intently, hoping he wasn't going to describe me (or my personality) as a toxic person. Allthough, I do think I can be a button pusher, I am pretty sure I am not toxic. Anyways...the whole thing has forced me to do some soul searching and step back and look at my past and present relationships. Those of you that know me well and have known me for a long time, know I suffered the loss of a very close friend some time back. For those of you that don't know...I lost my best friend, a person who I had known since I was a very young child. You know, the kind of friend that is by your side all the time and who always has your back. The shoulder you cry on after every bad break up or bad hair day. No, she didn't die. She decided she didn't want to be my freind anymore. I won't go into all the gory details but she decided, for whatever reason (she never told me why) that she could no longer talk to me. In fact, the day she severed our friendship was the same day I told her I was pregnant with Jude. For two years I beat myself up over my loss. I played it over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I could have done differently. I guess I knew why she was upset. I put her on the back burner, after all, I did meet the man of my dreams, get married and get pregnant very quickly. So I felt guilty and and blamed myself. But still, I truely missed her. I cried. I mean, I cried real tears. I felt like she had died. She wouldn't return calls, emails, etc... Which meant I had no answers to my questions. I couldn't understand what I did that was so awful that she just didn't want to have anything to do with me. That she didn't even want to meet my son. To make it all worse, we work for an agency that often required us (Jake & I) to see her at her job. She would talk to Jake like nothing had ever changed but never once asked about me. That really hurt. Well, the story doesn't end there. Two years after we stopped talking, my sister decided to call this girl (Heather was friends with her too). My sister encouraged me to call her and talk to her. So, I did. We planned to meet out for coffee at a neutral location. At the last minute she changed to plans and we met in the bar of a resturaunt that was close to her house (far from mine). I was on her turf. I sat and observed as she interacted with these people she barely knew but called them her "friends". She was rude, demanding and monopolized the conversations. I don't think she can see it how I saw it that evening. I sent her an email the next day, telling her I need to talk about her 2 year absense from my life, so we could start with a clean slate. She sent me an extremely abrasive email back telling me she wasn't interested in my negativity. I felt bad for a while but I felt there was some closure in an odd sort of way. So, the point of all this is (finally) not to have eveyone read this and feel sorry for me or to even bash my old pal, but to say, our friendship was very toxic. I will admit, I was partially to blame. But, when I came to that realization, it was too late. I had changed, she wasn't willing to do the same. It has taken me a long time to even want to have friends or to be close to anyone, other than Jake or my sister (I love you Heather). A while back I started to feel like I do need friends. I have been slowly working on it. I have come a long way. I want to say, for the first time I have great friends and healthy relationships. Some of my friends are new ones and others are old friends that have grown with me.

Today, Melanie came down to visit with her girls. We spent the day at the pumkin patch. She and I don't talk as often as I'd like (she is also busy & we live an hour apart). A while ago, Melanie and I stopped talking for a couple of years. It was my fault. At the time I thought I had valid reasons. It was immature. We started talking again when her husband (she had been separted from) died of cancer. We picked up like time hadn't passed between us. I never apologized. So, I want to say (officially) I am sorry. It was awful that I did to her, what that other girl ended up doing to me. Obviously, Melanie has forgiven me but I felt I needed to make a public apology. Sorry, it took me this long to do it.

In closing I want to challenge you all to examine your own relationships. Try to make things right. But, remember you can't make a person feel the same as you do. Life is so short...you just never know when it will be your last day or even another persons last day. You have to try. In the end your world will be a better place because of it -even if it doesn't turn out how you want it!

Almost Two...

...as in A.M. Yes, I am still awake. I just finished (well, sorta - the dishes are still dirty) getting my stuff done for the day. Tommorow is my day off but I have a lot to do. Maybe I should say...A LOT to do. It is all fun stuff so it should be a great day. We are supposed to go to Jake's cousin, Pam's, wedding this week-end in New York. We had planned to go but with our recent "set backs" we really shouldn't. We've been going back and forth and I suspect we are going to be going to the wedding but we won't figure that out until Saturday. I mean...we are the Millers. That is how the Millers are supposed to do things, right?

I am literally falling asleep (I felt myself falling forward and it woke me up!).

So stay tuned for my next post titled...Pavel, a funeral & a big pile of sh**.
See you later.

Jake

This morning I woke Jude up to get him ready for a day at the babysitters. He got up, looked around and said..."Where's Jake?". Yes our two year old is on a first name basis with his father. A while back he would call me Delilah. Sometimes he would call me Aunt Delilah. Once he called me Mrs. Miller. But now he calls me mom or mommy and he calls Jake...Jake. It isn't really an "once in a while" thing. He calls him Jake just about every time he address is father. I keep telling him he needs to call him daddy and Jake has even resorted to ignoring him but he just says JAKE louder. I used to know this girl, Christine Wosniak, who told me she was on a first name basis with her parents. I thought it was kinda cool...in a wierd sorta way. And I honestly don't really mind Jude calling us by our first names, after all, other kids do, right? But I think it bothers Jake. I guess it looks like Jude is growing up to be a rebel like his mommy...or should I say, Delilah???? I don't follow rules very well and I guess I never did. I never really saw the harm in it. And for the most part, I still don't. It's not like I was out hurting other people. Seriously, why can't you wink at the camera when you are getting your drivers license picture? And was I really harming anyone by wearing those "combat boots" with a flowery dress? And was it bad to go out with a guy I met when I dialed the wrong phone number? He was a DOCTOR and I took a friend with me to meet him in public place. Nose rings (and other piercings) didn't ruin my character. And guess what I have eaten in a restraunt by myself and...hold on for this. I have even been to a movie by myself. Yes I shaved half of my head (the bottom half at that...sorry mom). And I have had an assortment of colors in my hair (including green - on accident). And I did go skinny dipping with my sisters entire wedding party, in Lake Erie, in October in the middle of the night (at least it was dark). I did try to get Jake fired on his first day of work (I was just flirting...duh). And when I was 31, I got a tattoo. I haven't always been a good friend and I know I was a nightmare for my mother. I actually brought home a guy that had his entire head shaved save the pony tail that was half way down his back. He had piercings and was wearing boots that laced up to his knees, a t-shirt with holes and another t-shirt saftey pinned to the bottom like it was a skirt. My poor mom. Man, this list could go on and on. I have always...and I mean always (yes, when I was three and my mom took me to church, during the prayer, instead of praying I had both hand fully submerged in the little boy's (who was sitting in front of us) afro - massaging his head!) walked to the beat of my own drummer. And now my little boy is telling me he is going to be the same. Please say a prayer for me. I am going to need it. Right, Jake...I mean daddy.

Threes...

They say bad things happen in threes, right? Well, I hope it is true. We have now had a total of THREE major bad things happen. That means this stuff will stop, right?

1. Jake rear ended a jeep cherokee and may have totalled the car. We are still waiting to hear.
2. The freezer died and the meat smelled like someone died. We paid $ to have it taken away.
3. Jake ran into the garage door (and the the garage "doorway"). We were actually leaving on time for church. I walked out the door and Jake was moving the van so we didn't have to walk in the mud to get in. I stood there with my jaw on the ground as I watched him pull forward into the garage instead backing up. Should I cry or fall on the floor laughing. It really happened. I was like 'What is he doing? He's lost his mind.' and then....boom. He stopped when he hit the door. I was half suprised he did stop to be honest. I don't think there is any structural damage...just dents. Listen people...this is the Miller way. I'm telling you.

Well, I start my first week of teaching next week. Hopefully all goes smoothly. We have to take the kids to the babysitters because Jake was called in to work during the day the entire week. I think his boss is mad at him but hopefully the UNION will tell them they have to pick a shift for him and stick to it. I want Jake and I to work the same shift but if we do, we will have no money unless...Jake works a second job or I get a full time job. All options are no fun. Say a prayer. Thank you.

Goodnight.

Friday Night...

Well, I planned to write daily but man I just haven't had the time. I finally sat down tonight and typed in 4 letters. Some are a little dry but have little suprises in them. Once you figure out who they are from they are fun.

This week was absolute chaos. I can't imagine what next week is going to bring. I have so much going on and Jake is working during the day, which means I need to get a babysitter ASAP. I have someone for 2 of the 4 days. I am sure something will work out.

We have a new little problem. We bought a deep freeze for $90, which was a fantastic deal. We got it over here and plugged it in. The little light came on and it started humming. I put all of our meat in it on Saturday. Yesterday I went outside to get something out for dinner. I opened the freezer door and almost died. It smelled awful. The freezer does not work. All the meat is rotten. Horribly gross. So, we are trying to figure out what we are going to do with all the meat. And the broken down freezer. Jake is thinking we will have to pay someone to just haul it away. Can you believe our luck??? It is bad.

I wanted to end with two quotes I heard while observing another abstinence teacher...
Keep in mind both of these were said during a 6th grade class on Puberty. This little boy was serious when he asked this. "Is it true you can grow hair on your butt?" Another kid was obviously tramatized by the thought of pubic hair and asked if there was any way you can stop it from growing! Isn't that hysterical? I love it. It does have a purpose you know...

Talk to you again soon...I promise.

My New Job...

I started my new/old job on Monday. For those of you who do not understand the new/old thing, I will explain. I used to teach an abstinence program for this agency called ABC, inc. The program is called RSVP (Responsible Social Values Program). It is a 4 day program in the local (some are a "distant" local for me) middle schools. It is a great program. It teaches kids the value of waiting to be involved in (or never doing) sex, drugs, alcohol & tobacco. The program is full of all types of fun stuff and kids really enjoy it. We don't use scare tactics and also don't get horribly graffic. I really believe in the program. So with that being said, you probably already figured out that is where I am working, again. When I left ABC in 2000 it was because I needed something full-time with benifits. Safe Landing had offered me such a job so I took it and left my post as "Miss Wright" RSVP instructor. For the last few years I have been going back a couple of times and year and training new instructors the demos. Cheryl (my boss) knew I had a baby and was calling me to get all the details. I told her we were leaving Shelter Care and I was looking for a job. She mentioned she needed another teacher. So here I am. This week I am just observing at Green Middle School. I love it. I forgot how middle schoolers are in a classroom setting. All the kids were talking to me. I was NOT the enemy (not that I was ALWAYS the enemy in respite but I was an authority figure and often mistaken for the enemy). One girl gave me a high five. Another (6th grader) asked me if she was going to be scarred for life (because we were going to talk about sex). It was very cute. Now, not all schools will be like Green, in fact, I teach at Goodyear MS next week but look forward to it. I will be sure you post comments kids make. They always have funny questions. Either way, I am happy to be back in my safe place. I always thought it would be the ideal job for someone with a husband who had benefits. When I quit, I didn't think I'd be getting married anytime soon. Ha. Oh what life brings you...You just NEVER know.

We're Here...

I don't have time to write much tonight but I felt I owed it to "my public" (can you see my head getting bigger with each key stroke???) to write a few lines. I am starting my new/old job tommorow and I should have been in bed hours ago. I know Jake will be home during the day with the kids so I tried to dig out some food & plates for him! The move went well. It was a lot of stuff. I have decided I need to seriously downsize. I have been giving stuff away like crazy but now I am going to make some drastic dents in the amount of stuff we own. So if any of you need anything let me know...I may be willing to part with it. I guess part of my problem is that I have a vision for my stuff, just no time to get it all done. Can I have a few extra hours please?

Either way I will tell you a quick story. My hubby, Jake, had a bad day today. I feel pretty bad to him. Starting off the day, he was tired and sore from the move. We went to church and out to eat (I hadn't found all the stuff so we can eat at home). On the way home he wrecked the car. He is okay, his shoulder hurts from the seat belt. He is bummed out. Just more money out the door. We will know more about the car tommorow. The headlights point up to the sky now so we won't be driving it anymore. Well, if that wasn't bad enough, while unpacking some boxes he dropped my iPAC and broke the screen (several big cracks). I'm not sure why Jake and I don't just cash our checks when we get them and drive down the road with our windows down and throw the money out the windows because that would be much more fun than buying stuff that ends up broken (iPAC, car, etc), given away (Monet, craft stuff, mini fridges, etc.) or just not used at all (video camera, xbox, cds and lots more). Wasted money. Either way, the car and the iPAC are just material things that can be replaced. At least we have each other and two extremely cute kids.

Goodnight.

It's Done...Kinda

Well, I am done packing. If you look at the time of this post you will see it is either extremely early or very late. For me, being in my 30's, it is incredibly late. I am a zombie right now.

I didn't have a chance to post yesterday because life was insane. We found a home for our Cockapoo, Monet. I posted him on freecycle and I had a pretty big response. I sent out pics and that cut the options down considerably. But I still had about 10 people. We pick a family that has a big yard and 2 other dogs. They seemed like they were going to love him very much. Before the woman (Mary) got to our house I started getting all teary. Jake made fun of me and even took pictures. He is really getting a kick out of "weepy delilah". Then Mary came over and brought her little boy, Nicholas. He and Jude played together and ran all over the place. It was nice. Then it came time to go. Nicholas came in and was saying Monet was his new dog and he went over and started hugging him. I lost it. Right there in front of strangers, my husband, Jude and Paul Miller (my father-in-law) I started crying. The thing is, I didn't even like the dog. Although I asked Jake about 100 times if he was sure about giving the dog away, it really was my idea. I hated taking care of the dog. I hated that I had to remember to feed him. I hated his smell. I hated that when people came over I had to worry if they liked dogs or not. But, I will admit..I do miss him. Jude asked about him a couple of times and I feel so mean that I took his dog away from him. I think Monet will be better off because just since Jake took a new job we haven't been as involved with him. He was completely off schedule. We hadn't had time to take him on a walk in so long. Anyhow, Mary emailed today and it was very nice to hear that Monet is okay and did well his first night. Of course, I started crying when I read the letter so I didn't take the time to write her back. Either way, our dog is gone. I am taking it much harder than I thought I would. But don't tell Jake. He already thinks I am getting soft.

Other than the dog issues I have been having...we are making the big move tommorow. This is a big deal for us. As long as Jake and I have known each other we have worked for Shelter Care. We have been houseparents for most (all but 6 mths) of our marriage. It is crazy to think about. Today was our last official day of employment with Shelter Care. It was very anticlimatic. No one said good-bye, although Roberta has promised to take us out to dinner next week. She has been a good boss. Either way, I guess I don't even have to think about SC anymore or any of the feelings I have about them or our departure. Hopefully our next chaper will be as good of a ride.

Goodnight??