Toxic People

Well, it is Sunday and as most of you know, I go to church. For the last few weeks, Pastor Mike has been doing a series called "Who's Pushing Your Buttons". It has been interesting, to say the least. Today's message was about Toxic Relationships/People. I sat there listening, intently, hoping he wasn't going to describe me (or my personality) as a toxic person. Allthough, I do think I can be a button pusher, I am pretty sure I am not toxic. Anyways...the whole thing has forced me to do some soul searching and step back and look at my past and present relationships. Those of you that know me well and have known me for a long time, know I suffered the loss of a very close friend some time back. For those of you that don't know...I lost my best friend, a person who I had known since I was a very young child. You know, the kind of friend that is by your side all the time and who always has your back. The shoulder you cry on after every bad break up or bad hair day. No, she didn't die. She decided she didn't want to be my freind anymore. I won't go into all the gory details but she decided, for whatever reason (she never told me why) that she could no longer talk to me. In fact, the day she severed our friendship was the same day I told her I was pregnant with Jude. For two years I beat myself up over my loss. I played it over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I could have done differently. I guess I knew why she was upset. I put her on the back burner, after all, I did meet the man of my dreams, get married and get pregnant very quickly. So I felt guilty and and blamed myself. But still, I truely missed her. I cried. I mean, I cried real tears. I felt like she had died. She wouldn't return calls, emails, etc... Which meant I had no answers to my questions. I couldn't understand what I did that was so awful that she just didn't want to have anything to do with me. That she didn't even want to meet my son. To make it all worse, we work for an agency that often required us (Jake & I) to see her at her job. She would talk to Jake like nothing had ever changed but never once asked about me. That really hurt. Well, the story doesn't end there. Two years after we stopped talking, my sister decided to call this girl (Heather was friends with her too). My sister encouraged me to call her and talk to her. So, I did. We planned to meet out for coffee at a neutral location. At the last minute she changed to plans and we met in the bar of a resturaunt that was close to her house (far from mine). I was on her turf. I sat and observed as she interacted with these people she barely knew but called them her "friends". She was rude, demanding and monopolized the conversations. I don't think she can see it how I saw it that evening. I sent her an email the next day, telling her I need to talk about her 2 year absense from my life, so we could start with a clean slate. She sent me an extremely abrasive email back telling me she wasn't interested in my negativity. I felt bad for a while but I felt there was some closure in an odd sort of way. So, the point of all this is (finally) not to have eveyone read this and feel sorry for me or to even bash my old pal, but to say, our friendship was very toxic. I will admit, I was partially to blame. But, when I came to that realization, it was too late. I had changed, she wasn't willing to do the same. It has taken me a long time to even want to have friends or to be close to anyone, other than Jake or my sister (I love you Heather). A while back I started to feel like I do need friends. I have been slowly working on it. I have come a long way. I want to say, for the first time I have great friends and healthy relationships. Some of my friends are new ones and others are old friends that have grown with me.

Today, Melanie came down to visit with her girls. We spent the day at the pumkin patch. She and I don't talk as often as I'd like (she is also busy & we live an hour apart). A while ago, Melanie and I stopped talking for a couple of years. It was my fault. At the time I thought I had valid reasons. It was immature. We started talking again when her husband (she had been separted from) died of cancer. We picked up like time hadn't passed between us. I never apologized. So, I want to say (officially) I am sorry. It was awful that I did to her, what that other girl ended up doing to me. Obviously, Melanie has forgiven me but I felt I needed to make a public apology. Sorry, it took me this long to do it.

In closing I want to challenge you all to examine your own relationships. Try to make things right. But, remember you can't make a person feel the same as you do. Life is so short...you just never know when it will be your last day or even another persons last day. You have to try. In the end your world will be a better place because of it -even if it doesn't turn out how you want it!