Not for the Squeamish.....

In the past I have talked about what should and shouldn't be discussed on a blog. Some of you may think I shouldn't talk about this topic on my PUBLIC blog. I hope I don't offend you but if I do - hey...I am pretty much 9 months pregnant and I think that gives me some liberty. Right? Well, today I had to go to visit my OB-GYN. Yes, the gynecologist. When I went to the Women of Faith conference a few weeks back, the comedian, Anita Renfro talked some about being pregnant and going to the doctor. It was hysterical. Mostly because what she said was soooo true. One thing she talked about your weight when you are pregnant. I've done great this time but I have still been concerned. I actually lost a pound this week. But, I have found myself picking out clothing that I think would weigh lighter. On my last appointment I wore a very lightweight dress. Today I gave up and just wore my jeans...and still lost a pound. So that is good. Anita said when she was pregnant, in the beginning she was proud of her weight by the end she was wearing a newspaper and flip flops to save a pound or two. Ha ha. That is what I had been doing - well not with a newspaper. Then she talked about peeing in the cup. For those of you that have never been pregnant - you have to pee in a cup each time you go to visit the OB. I assume they are checking for infections. Either way, the cup is small. I am not kidding. It isn't really that much bigger than a dixie cup. I am not exaggerating. Now, I have this BIG belly - it is difficult for me to sit, let alone bend over while sitting. Add to that I very full bladder that has an almost full grown newborn sitting on it and give me a "large" dixie up to catch my pee. I miss every time. I am lucky to catch alittle. I can't tell where the cup is and God only knows I can't see down there. They should just give up pregos a catch pan. It would be so much easier.

After peeing in the cup, my appointments usually go the same. I go back to the room, the nurse takes my blood pressure and listens to the baby's heartbeat. Then the doc comes in, measures my belly and asks how I am feeling. Occasionally they throw you for a loop and they hand you the paper towel thingy - it isn't even a gown - it really is just an extra large paper towel you lay on your lap. They don't warn you an appointment ahead of time that you are going to have an "exam". One time when I was pregnant with Jude, they sprang an "exam" on me. I wanted to make sure I was "fresh". BTW...Jake was with me when this happened. I saw these wipe things on the counter. They were individually wrapped and I think they are called Mamo-wipes. I took one, opened it up and proceeded to wipe "down there". But I didn't wipe long.....it burned like something else. I mean BURNED. I practically screamed. Jake was rolling on the ground laughing because it thought the whole thing was funny anyhow, then when it burned, well.....he couldn't stand it. Come to find out those wipes are to remove your underarm deodorant for a breast exam (they check your pits too). I had an impromptu "exam" today. I asked Jake if I should use a Mamo-wipe. We just laughed. I didn't use one, in case you were wondering. Anyhow....I disrobed from the waist down (yeah....any where is my waist again?). I put the paper towel on my lap and waited. Then the office manager, who is also pregnant came in to talk to me. My butt crack was hanging out. How can I avoid it? I am sitting on the tissue paper covering the table, it is sticking to my butt. I have the paper towel on my lap - it doesn't fit all the way around and she is talking to me for like TWENTY MINUTES!!!!! I am not lying. I kept pulling my shirt down and turning to the side but all modesty has left the building. I even apologized for my butt crack hanging out....what else was I supposed to say. We talked about baby names, c-section dates, throwing up, pants that won't stay up and all sorts of stuff. The thing is, the way the room is set up my backside is to the door. She was standing in the doorway and I twisted a little to talk with her. So, she had view of ol' whitey the whole time. Lovely. By time the doctor gets in the room, I was ready to go pee again...I thought I would have to put my pants back on and go to the bathroom but luckily she came in just as I was taking that thought seriously. Then I have to do the whole lay down, feet in the stir-ups and skooch down thing with paper sticking to my butt. Isn't pregnancy beautiful!? In the end I am not dilated at all, not even beginning to efface and she couldn't even reach my uterus because I am carrying so high. I don't think the baby will be here early. Bummer. Well, I guess - we still don't have a name.