Sometimes when I sit down to type I am not sure where I am going to go with the post. Today is one of those days. Yesterday I was all fired up and ready to "speak my mind" about a few issues but when I got to work a half hour early I couldn't get my computer to work. By time I figured out the problem it was too late to type...I had a busy day. So, maybe God intervened...who knows.
I've been having some issues lately. Actually, lots of issues. A couple of weeks ago I posted about Forgiveness. I was naively thinking as I typed...I am a forgiving person. I am not trying to be all self righteous or anything but it isn't an area I thought I struggled with very often. Silly me. Shortly after the troubles came out of the woodwork. Doesn't it always work that way. I decided I should go to God. Then I opened this devotional book and the first entry was (of course) about forgiveness. I wasn't in the mood to forgive anyone at that particular moment so I wasn't thrilled. But in the end it isn't about my mood is it? There is a bigger picture. That is reality. Basically the book said all humans are flawed. We know that, right? But I don't want to be flawed. I don't want my friends from church, my husband, my children, etc... to be flawed because it hurts. Our human nature tells us when we are wronged to get even or put that other person in their place. Trust me that is what I felt like doing yesterday. But as I read on it says this - "That doesn't mean it's always right to ignore such actions or the motives that drive them. But it does mean that it's right to refuse to broadcast it, nag about it, or use it to gain power over the offender." (POO!). That is what I want to do...at least my nature tells me to do. It is actually what I am good at... Now some things are best left unsaid...I know. I would never publicize family problems on my blog or anything. But there are other things in my life that have been a huge disappointment to me lately. I am not going to go into great detail but I want to say this about my blog....I love to write. I love my blog. Maybe it sounds selfish but my blog is just that MY blog. It is my thoughts and feelings and I don't want my writing to be censored. I've shared with you all several times that people have been upset about what I write or downright angry with my posts. I haven't always used the best judgement when writing about my past. Not that I regret the stories....I don't - in fact I arrogantly LOVE my old stories. But I did use a few names I shouldn't have. I've made my apologies and moved on. But last summer Jake came under fire for something he wrote on his blog. I was upset with him because I felt like he was causing trouble. I should have been more supportive. Since then our blogs (well mostly mine because Jake quit writing about stuff) has been a topic of controversy. Not directly to me but it is the source of gossip. Here is what happens....I write, someone else reads, they take what I read and analyse it, pick it apart and talk about it with others and so the cycle begins. By time it gets back to me I hear I've been bashing this person and that person. I am hurt by this. Does anyone ever say anything nice about me? It is crazy because by when it gets back to me it has gone through several people who haven't even actually taken the time to read my blog. My blog has joined the ranks of daytime drama. That stinks. I want to write about my feelings, my family, share photos and life. I don't want to censor my blog. You don't have to agree with everything I write. I don't even want you to agree with everything I say. But please don't take my words and use them as a weapon against me. I don't know what these people really feel in their hearts but I feel like they think if I don't hear them saying the words about me that they don't count. I want to forgive. But I can't ignore the actions. So, what do I do? I don't really know. I wish people talked about my post about forgiveness or National Sacher Torte Day. What about the positive stuff I've written???? I am so sad that my light hasn't shined through. That people don't have good things to say about me. You know about a month ago our Pastor said from the pulpit that blogs are all negative and a place for people to spread negativity. Was he talking about my blog? I don't know because I never asked him. But it hurt me that I would have to wonder if he has heard the gossip and if he thought I was just spreading negativity. It hurt me because many people turned and looked at me because they know I have a blog. I am not a bad person. I try to be thoughtful and to be Christlike. I know, I know, I'm far from it. But I don't stink. I want to forgive. I try to learn and improve all the time. I try to be thoughtful and helpful. I try to be a good friend. I am feeling deflated. My heart is broken. I feel like I have failed. I love my church. I love my husband. I love my friends. I am flawed. So if I don't handle things the way I should right away please forgive me. I am not going to censor my blog anymore. I am not going to "broadcast" but I am not going to censor my blog. This is the last apology I will be making. I have too many stories to share to keep coming back to this. This blog isn't about you...it is about me. If you think I cross the line you can hold me accountable by talking with me and telling me. Don't go tell my friends, my boss, my pastor, my husband. If you feel you can't do that then please don't read my blog. I love you all. I really do. Thanks for listening to my little rant and have a great day.