Last week I had an email exchange with someone from my past. It went something like this.....
Person: Initial conversation.
Me: Nice, nice....blah, blah, blah.....nice, nice.
Person: Nice, nice....blah, blah, blah...nice, nice. Something serious. Joke ("to lighten the mood").
Narrator: "Why is this conversation taking place and why are they ignoring the BIG elephant in the room."
Me: Okay...let's get this over with....what is the deal?
Person: Ahhh, there's the girl I remember.
Although I could have done without the conversation (despite the fact that I couldn't really seem to walk away from it - kinda like looking at the aftermath of a bad accident) it made me think about people changing (even myself) and people staying the same. I know it seems a little "deep". Let me explain. Over the years I lived through many "seasons". Although my lifestyle and the people around me have changed I am at the core....the same girl. I have always been pretty feisty. I have definitely learned from my experiences and gained a little maturity that has changed me to a degree but really my constitution hasn't.
When I went to my H.S. reunion I was working at a Youth Crisis Shelter. I remember telling people (you know those "catching up" conversations) and more than one person said, "Of course you work at a Youth Crisis Shelter...wouldn't expect anything different." Isn't that cool? I think it is. Which leads me to this point....What would those same people say if we revisited that conversation and I said "I sell insurance." I think the response would be different. I suspect their response would be something like..."Oh." It isn't really me, is it? It's probably something I should think about, hmmmmmm.
Last week I also received a very nice myspace message from a woman from my H.S. She said she always remembers a time I came to talk to her, when we were freshmen, after she had spent some time in the psych ward. I don't remember the chat and I honestly didn't even remember she had been in the hospital. I do remember that I always felt bad because people weren't that nice to this girl. She was pleasant and very funny. Here's the thing...I see adults acting the same way to certain people, in my life now. And I still find myself trying to make up for the rude behaviors of others. And...today I will be going to the psych ward to visit (if they allow me) a teen who is staying there. I thought it to be ironic that I got that email the day I found out my girl was in the hospital. I think God was giving me a little "wake up". I haven't been myself lately. My head has been somewhere else....caught in the junk life sometimes gives you...distracting me from me and ultimately from what God created me to do.
I know it seems like an arrogant blog because I didn't list all my bad qualities that haven't changed...and trust me I am always working on those things. I always have been. When I was in H.S. I used to read Psychology Text Books from the library. Weird, I know....I guess that hasn't changed either. The point to all of this is this - It doesn't matter who you are, you can't deny yourself. I am not saying you can't improve or grow but your core is your core. Sometimes we sacrifice our desires to accommodate our current situation but that doesn't mean you have to stop being who you really are........
Thanks for listening to my psycho babble. I am interested to hear what you think about all this....