Sunday Evening Reflection...

It has been a while since I have blogged about anything "spiritual" and I thought everyone could use a good dose of my reflections from todays message and other stuff going on in my life. I feel like I need to give everyone a little background information. Sometime after I started my blog a good friend of mine said "I never knew you were so religious." I was kinda suprised by the comment because I do not consider myself "religious" but I am, indeed, a Christian and I do go to church. I've been thinking about it for a while and I guess I just want to talk about the issue. I have made reference before to the things I have done in the past but today I am going to talk very frankly about it. Another reader mentioned she was concerned I say to much or "confess" to much on my blog. She fears it may come back to haunt me. I don't worry about that stuff and I feel like I am just being honest and real. It feels good to say, hey, this is who I was and now I have grown to be this person. I have forgiven myself. God has forgiven me. And honestly, all those past experiences have made me who I am and quite frankly I think I am a good person. So with that being said....here we go.

The quick version of my spiritual walk...I was in second grade. I was standing in line, in the library, waiting to go back to my classroom. My friend, Karen Horniek, was telling me how Jesus lived in her heart. I asked her how that could happen. She said you just have to pray and ask him to come live there and he will. So, I closed my eyes and prayed to God to forgive my sins and come into my heart. I didn't really fully understand but I knew that is what I wanted. We went to church off and on while I was growing up. Then in the sixth grade I met Stephanie. She was my best friend and her mom started taking me to church every Sunday. I loved every minute of it. In High School, while other kids were going to parties, I would go to church. Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night, Thursday night Bible study, Saturday (Softball or Volleyball). Now, I am going to be honest, Church was a big social club for me. I did learn a lot of stuff but I also was very hurt and even a little scarred by events at the church. That is where I met by long time boyfriend, Mitch. I have mentioned him before. Mitch pretty much defined my teen years. Mitch was older and best friends with Brad. Brad was a few years older than Mitch and newly married. Brad was our Youth Leader. One time Brad, his wife, Mitch and I went on a double date. It think I was probably 17 at the time. We went to Brad's house and he put in a PORN movie. Yes, I watched a Porn movie with John Holmes in it, with my Youth Leader. Did I say SCARRED? No I didnt' like it and No I didn't get addicted to porn but I learned that Christians weren't the same people in church as they are in the privacy of thier own homes. Well, Mitch and I broke up later and some other back stabbing stuff went on (from adults not my peers) so I quit going to church. I wasn't Anti-church. I still believed in God. I just choose to put Him on the backburner of my life. During the next 7-8 years of my life I looked everywhere for answers. Self-Help Books, Counselors, Psychics, Alcohol, Men, College... I did miss church and often made New Year's Resolutions to go to church more often. After I turned 25 I started dabbling in church. I would take a class. I even taught a class with my friend on Wednesday nights to little kids but I wouldn't go on Sunday. I would go to a church but NEVER talk to anyone. My best friend was "agnostic" and cynical. She didn't understand. So when I got to my current church I was a little gun shy to say the least. I would have rather gone to a bar to make friends. But I knew that isn't what God wanted for me. So now hear I am, I think I have grown so much in the past 3 years. I felt for a long time that I had to be reserved about my Spirituality because, well, I thought I was being a fraud. I thought there it couldn't be real that the girl that has been so drunk that she wakes up in the morning and doesn't even know where her car is, could possibly be forgiven or loved by God. So there's the truth. I am a Christian and I love my life. I think it is only getting better and God is to thank for it. Does that mean I am some weird freak person who is judgemental or unforgiving? NO. Does that mean I think I am perfect? NO. Do I think I am better than someone who isn't a Christian? NO. Does that mean I can't have fun? NO. I still make mistakes and I am still growing and learning. Learning how to be a better person. I didn't have one big life changing moment where the clouds opened up and rays of light beamed down, while the angels sang to let me know God is with me. I just believe. That's it. I am not your typical Christian. I am a Democrat. Conservative Democrat. You might not agree with me and that is okay. I love going to Church, I don't think twice about it. On Sunday, I am there. I rarely miss because I think everything I learn is useful in my daily life. I have made friends and finally have a sense of community. It is better than you think. But that is that...my long winded response.